Can I just say… my baby brother believes a lady should be “never been touched” by any man for her to be labeled as virgin. At first I’ve balled my eyes on him when he told me his so-called view, you can’t be 20 something and still be a virgin, when a guy touches your hand that means you’ve already lost your virginity. and then I realised It was too funny, innocent and sweet. he’s 14 and I couldn’t be more proud of him!
Apparently, My dad told me he already wanted me to get married. I know right? WHAAAT? and this isn’t the first time he’s been bugging me about stuff like that. It’s weird. I. can’t. even.
It seems like most people who knew me likes to play cupid and it’s making me sick. big time! My uncle-in-law who had been accusing me a lesbian all these years is trying to do some steps to force me to date a dude I don’t even know. and that’s really annoying. I could handle a tease, but a hook up? really pathetic that results into desperate measures and I’m not even looking for someone to date with!!! and what disgusts me more is that my parents don’t even try to sell me up like what he’s trying to do. here goes my friend, who’s been asking me to go out with her cousin because ‘he’s been looking for a lady he’d love to marry.’ asdfhbdjfghk to be perfectly honest, what the heck is wrong with everybody?! K, so I don’t need anybody to prove that I am not a lesbian and that I’m in with everyone. It just bugs me how people could think that way.. Alone doesn’t necessarily means lonely. Single doesn’t always mean available. No boyfriend doesn’t means you’re a lesbian nor man-hater!
Okay, back to what my parents and I have talked to this morning. So my father already wanted grandchildren. He’s got a lot of grandkids from me but he’s had enough of having four legged grandkids, he’s been wanting two-legged grandchildren in which he and my mum could change the diaper, buy clothes and toys and cribs blah blah… plus, it probably bothers him why his gorgeous daughter doesn’t have any admirers. hahahaha another thing is, my mother got married at 24 . But I’m pretty much sure I don’t feel like I’m closer to that age. Unlike my dad, my mum doesn’t bug me about tying the knot sooner or later but bugs me about my suitors which I don’t have any… That’s how cool my parents are… Kill me now!!
I was raised to be free to choose a life of my own. I never had curfews. My parents were never strict. So how did I end up being single since conception if that’s the case? I’ve asked myself that too, sometimes. but my answers changes over the years. 1.) when I was in high school, because I was too young and still in high school. (seeing high schoolers dating at the mall or somewhere annoys me a bunch. they’re like kids and not even financially stable to have the right to date) 2.) When I was in college, because I’m still too young for that and needs to graduate first. It’s not part of my priorities though 3.) When I graduated college, because I had a lot of plans for myself and that thing is not part of it. 4.) When I started working, because I still have a long way to go and I’m still young. 5.) When I stopped working and managed our own business, because I’m too busy for that. Until today, now that I’m some sort like a bum, I still have those reasons kept in mind. It’s still part of my list, but the truth is, I am scared. My dad always thought I’m too fearless that sometimes It’s freaking them out. but really, I’m also a coward. I’m afraid of falling and crushing myself into pieces. I’m scared I might get wrong. I’m scared I might just pick up a rock then throw it to myself. I always wanted kids, Of course I’d love to have a family of my own one day but I got trust issues. I get paranoid that I’d just be a trophy to cover up his gayness or his only after was is sex. and I don’t want to be that kind of girl. I don’t want to be just like any other girl. I remember telling my parents, I’m not going to get married, I’ll just get myself pregnant and be happy with my kids. but aunt janet, my mum’s friend who’s a single mom and my cousin ruby who’s also a single mom called me ‘selfish’ and I have to admit, Yes that’d be selfish for my kids too and since I wanted 3 kids, It’ll be really Odd if they have different fathers. Lol and I’m not like that and I wasn’t raised by my parents to be like that. Although I’m not judging those kind of single parents. It’s a tough issue to think of, so I avoid battling with it. I don’t know anymore.. whatever G-d’s will… I’m not closing my mind and my doors because who knows, but really, I don’t have any plans. If I’d grew old alone, I don’t think that’d be an issue. at least, I’m not afraid to be alone. I like being alone. I love feeling the solitude and serenity when you’re all by yourself. Although, I’m not gonna deny I get curious sometimes, the feeling of having fast heartbeat, butterflies in your stomach and cluttered brain waves whenever you’re seeing that person. but whatever, I’ll always be proud of myself. I had no one screw me up. and I like keeping it that way.
In my opinion, the most awkward question a dude could ever ask a lady is, ‘can i court you?’ when the girl says no, he’d think she’s playing hard to get but when the girl says yes, he’d think she’s too easy to get. and courtship, is all for formality sake. of course, he’d show the lady all the good in him just to achiever her yes and that’s too showbiz. and I’m glad I never got to deal with that. Just thought, if the dude is really interested in the lady, It would be his initiative to do the effort to pursue her, that’s what I always advice my single ladies. (Yes, thank G-d I still have single ladies despite most of my friends are already taken) In my case, If there’s really someone out there who’s willing to get to know me then pursue me, which I doubt there is… he should be aware that there are tons of thorns he’ll encounter along the way. Maybe my heart is not that tough at all, just hard to get.
P.S. I hope nobody I knew personally could get to read this. haha one of the many reasons why I love tumblr is that I could rant whatever I want and nobody would judge me because here, you are not alone. someone somewhere felt the same way. at tumblr, everybody connects because its like we are the family we’ve never had. :))
I was agnostic until I grew more mature and realised there are a lot of things we cannot fathom. Science couldn’t explain everything because in the first place, all studies are usually made through the evidence by assumptions. We live in a world with so much mystery. things are mainly unsure with some yet unknown, It all depends on whatever you believe. the only thing you could hold onto is your faith and sometimes It is never enough to just keep the faith, you have to protect and defend it. and if a must, fight for it.
I firmly believe that G-d exists. I mean, how could you actually look at the world and not be amazingly stunned by its beauty and wonders?
I don’t usually blog about personal issues and stuff but because I couldn’t rant this to anybody else in person since I’m not the type that shares problems or whatever to friends and bother them about it; So I decided, It might be a nice outlet for me to write. Hiding it all by yourself could lead you to anxiety, or worse, insanity. that’s why letting it out is therapeutic. and It’s true that you’re always safe to confess your problems to a person who’s a stranger to you. Either he’s not going to pay attention to it or there wouldn’t be any bias judgement since He knows he’s got no idea about you and what you’ve been through.
Okay, I know I’ve already started but before I really start, I’d like to warn whoever is reading, I’m telling you, this post ain’t going to be short and It’s also not interesting. Reading this would only waste your time. Tumblr is too express not impress. And If you’d only think of this like I’m only stirring up some drama or stuff, please, no one’s required to read this at all. In fact, I am hoping that this isn’t going to be read. I just wanted to write about my rants.
I think every girl as a kid or adult dreams about their own Ideal date, Ideal man, Ideal gown they’d wear on their wedding day, Ideal temple; A synagogue, church, or mosque., Ideal reception with memorable events, an Ideal wedding. I think, every human being go through that kind of phase. you know, hearing bells. but I guess, not me or I don’t know…
Of course, I also have my own Ideal whatever.. I don’t call myself perfectionist but that’s what they thought of me. I strive for perfection. Yes, I don’t see anything harm with it. People should realise It is better to aim for the sky, at least when you fall, you’d fall on the roof and it’s higher than the ground.
My Ideal date would be somewhere in space. I love the galaxy & anything related to astronomy. At least, when we’d run out of words to say or get bored with each other; we could just always talk about how cool it is to be floating in space, seeing the planets and maybe we’d get to see some aliens, superman and the other kryptonites. In that case, awkwardness won’t get in the way.
My Ideal wedding could be quite weird. I want a pirate theme or something like star wars set at a cool space shuttle or ship. then I want ‘Everytime I die by Children Of Bodom’ to be played. I also thought of having a Snow white & The dwarfs theme. like I’ll be inside the coffin instead of the traditional marching, I’d only get up right after the groom had ‘kissed the bride’ thing. everybody else is wearing dwarf costumes. (Nobody had liked that Idea of mine though) Then comes the little mermaid. Yes, everybody should do some effort since It’s also under the sea and I’d dress an ursula-morgana-mermaid wedding attire. asdffgfjkjkjlg
Who doesn’t really like thinking about their Ideal things and events? It’s too cool to imagine and very refreshing.
The thing is, I have no interests in getting into a relationship. This is not a new issue. for me, It’s no issue really. but my friends don’t dig it. they all thought It’s weird and I’m complicated. My parents doesn’t have any problem with it, but my dad had been telling me I am not getting any younger. Which is true. but.. I’m still young. And he already wanted a grandson. K. Yes. He got used to having my dogs as his grandkids. I too, like babies. I even wanted babies in 4 years. I wanted to adopt kids but I also wanted to have my own biological children. It must have been nice to find your dream partner. but you know, It was never my cup of tea. I’m kinda paranoid, either he’d just hurt me or he’s really gay. don’t get me wrong. I’m not a homophobe. but to why I think that way.. It’s because of my encounters.
My cousin married her boyfriend for 7 years. A month after their marriage, he left her hanging. He’s gay. we we’re friends too, there were moments I doubted him but I didn’t mind that, why would I? I am not in liberty to and besides, It won’t matter, they’ve shared a lot of years together, so I considered I might be wrong. Years now had passed, I wanted to kill him for hurting my cousin. but honestly, I’ve never planted hatred towards him. He’s lucky, we’re too lazy to hold any grudges.
My uncle-in-law got caught by my aunt having an affair with a lady about my age. just this year. The girl knows he’s married and with kids. he even took my cousin to her house, who is by then 5 years old. The mistress is being fed by my aunt’s husband using her very own money. (to be honest, I am more attracted to older and married men. because I always thought they have a sense of responsibility than the single ones. but wrecking a home is not my thing. I respect myself so much and becoming a mistress can never be part of my plan.) this isn’t the first time, this happened a couple of times already in the past to different women. One with my aunt’s best friend. I never hated him. I just, I never trust him. He simply annoy the crap out of me. He always thought that we were close and crack some jokes on me. Everytime he’s doing that, He is polishing my skills in sarcasm. I don’t respect him. Not at all. The only respect I had for him is him being the father of my 10 and 7 year-old-cousins and as the husband of my aunt. but that little amount of respect had faded away.. gone in just one blink of an eye. Enough is enough. he did hurt my aunt, his children; his very own family a lot of times. Not even a single curse, he never heard any from our family and yet he didn’t got contented of cheating on his wife. If only I could kill him, but that won’t be challenging. Living is rather difficult than being dead. I bet he’s got a long way of suffering to experience. He should’ve known karma’s the devil.
I’m not a man-hater. I can’t be. I have the greatest dad in the world and a gentleman in the making little brother. I don’t trust men in general. but I’m not saying they’re all the same because they’re really not. I do give credits to the good ones to be fair with..
because of my issues on men. I lost the one man I have ever liked next to my dad and brother. He’s really nice and very Ideal. He was everything every girl could ever dream of. He made me feel I’m the most beautiful lady in the world even if I just woke up, even if my hair’s messy. He believes I should not consider wearing any make up because “you’re too beautiful for that.” he’s close to perfect and I’ve let him flew away. now he’s happily married. I did regret why I wasn’t vocal enough, If only I could turn back the hands of time but I know in the end, I’d still end up with the conclusion that he’s simply not the one.
So, can my friends blame me why I’m not interested in that so called “love” because the only love I know is, the love of G-d, the kind given by your family, the love you feel whenever you’re eating ice cream and chocolates. and the love you give to yourself. Everyone could leave you, your true best friend is your own shadow.
If you’re apparently lost and is still searching for the right path to cross to; or simply waiting for the breakthrough you’ve always been seeking. You needed to know more about yourself, discover new dreams and hopes because you might be on the process of taking a detour or on the phase of must need to grow more spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and mentally as a person. you could only explore deeper and discover the hidden treasures within yourself If you’re single! Give yourself a break.
I didn’t elaborate everything. actually, those were only like sneak peek or introduction. It wouldn’t be enough here. there are still things that are better left unsaid. right now, I hope he’d step on a lego.
Whoever did read this post up to this sentence, congratulations and thank you. It simply means you’re bored and have no other thing left to do or maybe you really like reading. Whatever. have a good day! x
- Reblogou de ladisputa
Photo Courtesy: lookingthroughdreamcatchers
#5 what if you feel like peeing? Duh.
#7 I wouldn’t want being called either both. I think it’ll be much better if he’d call me by my name. It’s rather sweeter right?
#11 i don’t wanna be referred as “girlfriend”
#15 I hate dumb and green jokes.
#16 I hate when somebody disturbs my sleep. All the more when I’d hear a noisy pebble noise on my window.
#21 I prefer chocolates
#24 I don’t dance.
#27 I hate surprises.
Never had I imagine in my entire life that I’d be a bit popular at a certain (instagram) site for being a meanie or something…
K, It all started with a comment; “Why instagram seems to be infected with cats?” since I’m seeing cats in every page I’d stumbled upon. It was nothing personal, I really do wonder. until someone said, because cats are awesome and everybody loves cats something. and I replied innocently with, well, not everybody because I hate cats. and there goes the story, I didn’t know I could offend somebody for that.
because honestly, its nothing personal, its never a big deal. I love dogs but I am pretty much aware that there are people out there who doesn’t. So, I think its normal to say honestly that I hate cats. then this dude went into my page and comment on my photos, saying I am Busted and dogs are ugly. I replied to him with a friendly playful sarcasm, Thanks. He said, There’s no I in ugly, There’s only U. and he mention me on his page, “I hope your kid get scratch in the face” and as usual, to me its disgusting but I am not the sensitive type. so I told him, they can’t do an attempt to scratch my kid because she does murder kittens.. and then the chain goes on, everybody called me whatever and accused me a murderer, mock me and etc…
I was smiling while reading those hate messages because I never thought its real and is creating a page on my life’s story book. I, a bit became a Regina George of IG. I tried to read every message and reply as I could, my news feed became nuts. and the whole time I was like, It simply proves how shallow a typical person is.. a close-minded moron, how a small matter could be a big deal, how things went from simple to complicated. and that is all because of a person’s close-mindedness, and the ability to easily assume something he thought was right. My pet peeve level for people in general did increase. and every creature on there with a mosquito mind called me ugly and stuff…
Hahahaha, I tell you, I’m the worst person to start up a fight/argument with.. If you don’t want your words to slap you in the face, then might as well shut the fcuk up! Okayyyy? So back off morons or I’ll EAT y’all alive!
Felt so sorry I have affect those people’s lives at some point. I can imagine the ugly wrinkles and the bloody cancerous headache I gave them. peace be upon them. may ghosts, if they exist haunt them on their sleep. ahahahahahaJKJKJK
But what is beautiful to this occurrence, I have found one new friend. A person who became one of G-d’s manifestation due to His unconditional love for me. That person didn’t necessarily defend me, but he did try to understand every inch of my point despite everybody else bitching on me. He’s like 7 years younger than me but he is matured enough for his age. told him I couldn’t thank him enough, but insisted his understanding came from G-d. and at the moment, my heart is pinched big time, G-d again moved me. and despite being not much of a good daughter to Him, He was still there to watch over and guide me. I know thank You wouldn’t be enough. and of course, also because I have many guardian angels; my grandpa, grandma, kryt, James and my aunt-mum’s friend who died weeks ago. ♥
Aya, a girl from the neighborhood, i think she’s 7 or 8 told me “I never understand what’s that” (pointing at bluetooth’s balls). “my sister said it’s his egg” I was like, uuuugghhmm he’s a boy, of course. “girls doesn’t have like that right? How come it looks like poop?” I’m not sure if I’ve answered her appropriately but I said “that’s how it’s been designed” I don’t know where our conversation would go but I’ve got chores to catch so I told her I gotta run and she said “I’ll wait for you here on Saturday 4pm.” hahaha. Ohgreat!